War

穆王將征犬戎，祭公謀父諫曰：「不可。先王燿德不觀兵。夫兵戢而時動，動則威，觀則玩，玩則無震。是故周文公之頌曰：『載戢干戈，載櫜弓矢，我求懿德，肆于時夏，允王保之。』先王之於民也，茂正其德而厚其性，阜其財求而利其器用，明利害之鄉，以文修之，使之務利而辟害，懷德而畏威，故能保世以滋大。昔我先王世后稷以服事虞、夏。及夏之衰也，棄稷不務，我先王不窋用失其官，而自竄於戎狄之閒。不敢怠業，時序其德，遵修其緒，修其訓典，朝夕恪勤，守以敦篤，奉以忠信。奕世載德，不忝前人。至于文王、武王，昭前之光明而加之以慈和，事神保民，無不欣喜。商王帝辛大惡于民，庶民不忍，訢載武王，以致戎于商牧。是故先王非務武也，勸恤民隱而除其害也。夫先王之制，邦內甸服，邦外侯服，侯衛賓服，夷蠻要服，戎翟荒服。甸服者祭，侯服者祀，賓服者享，要服者貢，荒服者王。日祭，月祀，時享，歲貢，終王。先王之順祀也，有不祭則修意，有不祀則修言，有不享則修文，有不貢則修名，有不王則修德，序成而有不至則修刑。於是有刑不祭，伐不祀，征不享，讓不貢，告不王。於是有刑罰之辟，有攻伐之兵，有征討之備，有威讓之命，有文告之辭。布令陳辭而有不至，則增修於德，無勤民於遠。是以近無不聽，遠無不服。今自大畢、伯士之終也，犬戎氏以其職來王，天子曰『予必以不享征之，且觀之兵』，無乃廢先王之訓，而王幾頓乎？吾聞犬戎樹敦，率舊德而守終純固，其有以御我矣。」王遂征之，得四白狼四白鹿以歸。自是荒服者不至。 (周本纪)

It's not uncommon to see noble houses take over the throne in succession. House Chow, after generations of peaceful regime, began to decline when the heir Mu Chow became the new lord of the kingdom. To shield the kingdom from being divided or invaded by nomadic races, Lord Mu made the decision to start a war with the threatening race of Quanrong. Ji, the hand of the king disagreed with the tentative war, saying that -- "Our kings always advocated virtues instead of wars. Warriors are enlisted to fight in the right time for the rightful war. They are not there for games. My lord, your ancestor Dan pursued to develop virtues of civilians, raise them money for righteous use, cultivate people with education, lead them to avoid evil, and long live the kingdom! We cannot forget how we got here. All these institutions have proved their capacity. Do not break the cord with those houses in exile. And do not forget our ancestors' legacy." Lord Mu neglected his pledge and started the war. He won the game and brought four white wolves and four white deer back to the throne as his triumph. Never again did those nomadic races come to worship Chow. And all those regulations claiming the legitimacy of Kingdom Chow over the nomadic races lost their effects. 

That's not a compliment for the war.  Nevertheless, it seems also impossible to stop a young and ambitious lord provoking a fight just by historical conventions or spirits. 

sorrow

周本纪：
古公有长子曰太伯，次曰虞仲。太姜生少子季历，季历娶太任，皆贤妇人，生昌，有圣瑞。公曰：“我世当有舆者，其在昌乎？”长子太伯，虞仲知古公欲立季历以传昌，乃二人亡如荆蛮，文身断发，以让季历。

It's a story in ancient Chinese history. The emperor has three sons among whom the youngest son had the smartest kid Chang. One day the emperor asked, "who do u think should take over my regime? Should he be Chang?" The two elder sons understand that their father tends to hand over his power to their younger brother so that his brilliant grandson could surely be the next king after his father. Therefore, these two elder brothers leave the palace for uncivilized place, make themselves tattoo like guilty people, cut their hair which presents their connection with their parents, to secure the throne for their younger brother, and their smart nephew.

Why is it so sad.

Things

1st stop: Chinatown @ Boston

Someone said there was no decent food in Boston's Chinatown. I haven't been to a second Chinatown. But this one satisfies me with Chinese-style cakes and the familiar language. It is true that there is no elegant dining place there but, the real ordinary Chinese do not eat elegant food everyday. I love those snacks though they look shabby, and not that delicious.

But it is truly dirty there. Or I should say it is dirty in every Chinatown. I walked around for over one hour without finding a clean toilet. In the end I found a WC in a Chinese supermarket with a strong smell. 

2nd: MFA@Boston
It's great to see so many dead and alive human beings around... If I die there, it must be of the air conditioner. I just cannot understand why we have to prepare at least one jacket to survive the whole tour. I hate artificial coldness.

3rd: Harvard Square
I was happy cuz I bought extra small sneakers. Over. I am always drenched in melancholy that I don't think I belong to that lively atmosphere. 

4th: N.Y.
The bus arrived earlier than the expected time. Ahh... It's weird that you never feel lonely in a strange mega city while you are desperate in a quiet county. I am feeling familiar and comfortable in that chaotic metropolis. Everywhere there are Asian faces. And even when I returned to my house in Waltham, in which I had been staying for two weeks, I had no feeling of belonging to here. It is sad. 

N.Y. is a place where I want to try all the unhealthy foods like ice creams and desserts. It's  so cozy when I heard the ice cream seller approaching our flat singing cozy songs. Maybe people are just terrified by loneliness and solitude in counties. And they choose to stay in the city and live like alien creatures. That is art.

Another day

Finally I made up my mind for a trip to N.Y. next week. Thanks to the coming roommate, I would not going anywhere if there is a shelter  in Waltham. Well it is a complicated situation. I rent a room upstairs but the lady refused to move out until the end of August. Therefore I was relocated to this room downstairs vacant only for two weeks, after which a Russian girl will be moving in.

Anyway I should travel around before orientation starts. It may sound ironic but I did have a route earlier, starting from Boston, via N.Y., and then to Harrisburg. It only turned out that I was listening to the rain during nights, drawing sketches in the day, wandering around in the supermarket and cooking.

murmur----

I bought a second-handed coffee maker this afternoon with 7 bucks. And it operates well. And I finally bought some grounded coffee in an Italian grocery. It feels so good to run into a shop whose background music is opera instead of pop music.

P.S: I was infuriated by the new guy coming from D.C. with his words, "there is no decent food in china town here in Boston." And, "you guys don't recycle plastics here in Massachusetts?"

I don't know if they do or do not here in Waltham. I do know that we don't have the air conditioner running 24 hours a day, and leaving all the lights on in the kitchen like you. You are not the only one who appreciates Jazz and literature. Just don't behave like a proud and stupid cosmopolitan.

Drunk

The other night I was reading a book on art history and praying in silence that I could get a good sleep with no nightmare. For some unexpressible reason I have been suffering from darknight ghosts.

I should have had a sound sleep, if my drunk roommate had stopped knocking on my door. I was too sleepy to find that he was different from his usual appearance. It was only until this morning that I felt something was weird.

Yeah he was standing in front of my door asking me if I was annoyed by their alcohol and noise. I said I was absolutely fine with noise. (In fact I had several times slept over when hanging out with my colleagues in the bar.) And then he started to talk about how his sisters drove him mad with noises alike.

"Or do you want a drink?"

"No thanks. I just..." I just wanted sleep.

This morning when I was cooking my breakfast, there was a thought rushing into my mind. I stood in front of his room. And I really wanted to knock on the door until he wakes  up...

Delectable

Delectable, that is a really misleading word... I suppose I am not the only person misunderstanding it as deletable...

For the whole afternoon the internet radion I listened to was presenting a conversation on how once upon a time the white turned against Asian-American communities and how that hostility was still justifiable. The invited speaker, a UMass Boston researcher in Asian American studies, was apparently well equipped to finding excuses for all set of practices in the great nation's history with her contested memory. To be honest, I would never be delighted to be participating such ridiculous and low-performing researches. It would be more inspiring to launch or partner with natural science initiatives. I of  course have respect for historical and ethnical studies, but this very research was making neither academic contribution nor moral reflection.  Personally I would say this research was no more than wrestling with the unexpressible dignity of its people, who consider themselves as a community bridging the gap with all other alien species.

Anyway it doesn't seem like research institutes are going to slow down or terminate such meaningless projects, as long as they could have incredibly stable fundings. And perhaps some of my undergraduate peers will continue to be affiliates with these groups trying to provide some narrow pathways to academic success for young scholars.

I have got such situation as well before I was kicked out from the waiting list of UPenn anthropology. It was a pity at that moment. But there then was a day when I came to realize, that how this program would lead me unto a path far away from my childhood dream.

I might just want to live a delectable life.

What's his name

"Who are u visiting? I live here and might know his name."
"Ohh... I forgot his name."
That's what happened after almost three-hour public transportation from Waltham to Brigton to fetch my eyeglass which I left behind.
"Ahh... He is a Chinese guy."
"Tian?"
"His surname? It could be..."
"OK. I think I have got his number. Let's call him."
Thank god I did not come over such a long way to see nobody and then go like a whisper, which had terrified me the most when she made the call.
Anyway, it is weird that I could not recall someone's name after a whole night's conversation. Possibly it is because I was under a great deal of stress that night when hearing the flight delay. But should not memories have more clarity on emergency?
For the past month I have been trying to cram years of vogue recollections about my childhood dream into my head. I was pushing myself so hard that nightmares have started. Those fantastic visions which haunt me in darkness might be neither dreams nor memories as I had surmised, rather they are warnings of things that I have been trying to deny.

Aug 12, Rainy

The day I went to the bank for a new account was sunny. I asked the manager if that was the archetypical Boston cuz I could no longer stand the face-burning sunshine. His comforting answer that soon rain will fall down finally came true this afternoon.

It did not rain until I walked out of the mart with Jewish rye bread and two avocadoes. Last week I was cramed with cranberry jelly and toasts and this week I gotta try something different. Sadly till this moment I have no idea what I should do with it tomorrow.

The other day Karen surprised me that she was taught on high scholl history classes that Chinese is literally the smartest, while the nickel-saving Jewish are simply Jews. She was astonished at the popularity of KFC and Burger King in China. She knew so little about China that I started to wonder what they were taught indeed. With no offense, education has always been serving the dominating ideology, or rather common sense. I am just getting confused about things they care about.

Unlike here in America, on rare occasions in China will we have eye contacts with strangers. Frequent eye-contact makes me nervous.

some professor, whose name is not important let's just name him Randy, said, t's pretty easy to be smart when peering smart people. What if the sparkles of their smartness belong to different categories?

I asked mother if she could recollect my childhooh memory. She said that I did want to be a grocery keeper selling pudding and jelly before I turned six -- so that I could eat as many as I want. That was kind of the coolest dream I've ever had. It started at a concrete realization that I could do this  And now this childhood dream should be checked.

Freaking out

I am eating less while gaining weight. That's freaking me out. The day before yesterday I had just toasts with jelly. Yesterday I had one serve of sandwich with alvocado. This morning I had the brunch of sandwich with alvocado and cheddar cheese, and two cups of original almond milk and one more cup of milk. That's all for one day. Oh by the way I had a cup of homemade corn soup.
What the hell did I eat? I just had not found my sneakers and could not go for running...

Daily Blah--

Finally I got a clear vision of Kevin's facial structure tonight. Still it is weird that I cannot recollect the structure of A to whom I say see ya every morning.

flood of tiredness

Aug.7

Though I was unable to ward off the flood of tiredness after two-hour walking round-trip between the campus and the house, the daily trip was not that boring. For one thing, no longer do I have to travel in the featureless background of Beijing. And I do love those wooden porches of every house that I walk by. They are the best distinct of this region.

The other day A and me, the two of us were standing in the backyard, drinking arizona inced tea from the pharmacy and absorbed in sporadic but amicable conversations like the breeze of night.  During our brief conversation, I had found myself liking and trusting him. He's a man-child and that's why I spoke about him fondly. Nevertheless, knowing him bothers me as well. I could have put it more precisely that I wanted the room now I am staying in not the one upstairs though it is way more expensive. It's so cozy.

 There are moments when the recollection of someone unexpected gets sparked, like the wizard. There was a day when we sat beside the West Lake and he swore to me that he had once seen the ghost of a little girl on a ceremony, a vision, he claimed, glimpsed only briefly, but with absolute clarity, of the little girl standing beside the door, watching her alive parents standing in silent solidarity on her funeral and nodded greetings at each other, not recognizing most of them.

 Murmur--------------------

Each flight is just an curiously unsocial gathering. Few of the passengers seem to know each other while deep inside their curiosity of the neighbors could be sensed. For some reason inexpressibly, these strangers will be touched by some slight mercy, say a seize by arm of the passenger beside when the turbulence suddenly stroke your place, unless they are stone-heated alien beings.

Speaking of that, I am learning to be a friendly alien from the Mars. I had unfortunately inherited my father's featureless look, but nonetheless something of mother's bearings, her shyness and hesitancy, while my sisters and brothers seem far more grounded and confident. I am ill on such occasions as social gathering banquets. And my voice, on the rare occasions when I speak to some guy I adore, will be inaudibly gentle.

Growing up in a nation under horrible political regime, smiling doubtfully.is becoming a morbid common sense. Not to mention something like compliments. That's nineteen seventies vintage as unreadable as those melancholy paintings.

on spirituality

every year there is a huge bunch of chinese scholars and professors publishing new books exploring issues of religion and faith behind the scenes in the everyday life of chinese. seeing them struggling with this issue in an atheist country has made me believe it a wise decision to give up being a researcher in religion and spirituality.

i do not count rosary beads, daven or meditate, though i would definitely worship Buddha if given the chance at no cost - unlike churches, Buddhist temples in China usually require visiting fee, and sometimes even more. still all the incomes are to be shared with local authorities, forming a weird bond in between.

as an undergraduate majoring in liberal arts, i often took courses in ethnography such as "medical sociology". but, i admit, the classes that i enjoyed most engage more-specific subjects, like rehabilitation of drug addicts through religion in minority groups in southwestern China. i want to know the ethical decisions that the poor minority chinese had to make and document the hard conversation with state laws prohibiting religious or spiritual activities that precede their decisions, when things were inevitably getting difficult.

i tried to learn how these minorities lived, based on the importance of religion and spirituality to them, and the things they cared about. i was interested in how these very different sets of Chinese people could stick to their spiritual traditions and practice them in their very day-to-day lives, after being controlled by the atheist communist ruler after half a decade.

Shanghai - Boston

i woke up at 6am this morning and found my arizona beer was kicked off by one of my pillows which i might have thrown unto the floor. i hesitated for seconds as i had no such vigor to again clean the floor drenched in beer, after all it had been all set last night. and i had been in sleep for only one hour in the past two days from shanghai to boston.

it was on the morning of aug 5 when the family drove me to shanghai for the flight to boston. we arrived half an hour ahead of the due arrival time. then i was stuck in newark for the unexpected storm. we should have been on board no late than 8pm, but it turned out the flight departed at 2am. and that was not the end. something worse happened and the jet was kicked by the strongest turbulence i had ever experienced. i heard a woman screaming. fortunately it was only one-hour ride. and we were picked up around 4am. as i stayed in a friend's room, i looked out of the window to appreciate the sunrise of boston. sadly i had no admiration or excitement for that as an exhausted time machine.

but there were interesting moments when you think about passengers sitting together on the same flight. the passenger seated near the walk was always paying attention to his neighbor seated in the middle. and his neighbor would be staring from time to time at the stranger sitting by the window. and the innermost guy would definitely be looking out and sinked in sky and cloud-related specialities.